Speaking of the aforementioned...
I guess the whole thing began in the film 'CASINO.'
Robert DeNiro's character was all jovial, and he complimented the "gambler" character on his quality ball-point writing utensil, or "watermark."
Next thing you know, gambler gets all up in the DeNiro character's face, and he calls him a jag-off, and the next thing you know, he's dead.
I guess you could say that if you want to call somebody a "jag-off," you can do one of two things.
1) pack some kind of weapon
or
2) try viewing the director's cut of 'CASINO,' take notes, and remember that actions have consequences.
Or you could just ignore anyone who uses that kind of language.
Because life isn't a casino.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
ODE TO STEVEN 'LAWMAN' SEAGAL
Why do you dance on the edge of a knife
When Fat Guy rules the roost?
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Scream it's all no use
How does it feel, to know you're about to die?
We've all been there before
Maybe you punks haven't had enough yet;
Maybe you want some more
He knows the spirit
He knows the flesh
I think he speaks Chinese
One time, they tried to steal his bike...
He kicked them in the knees!
Don't mess with the Lawman
Don't mess with his wife
Don't mess with his kids
You'll pay with your life
Final warning, Jag Bag.
Stay out of the Lawman's way;
Start paying your respects right now,
Or there'll be hell to PAY
When Fat Guy rules the roost?
Liars lie
Cheaters cheat
Scream it's all no use
How does it feel, to know you're about to die?
We've all been there before
Maybe you punks haven't had enough yet;
Maybe you want some more
He knows the spirit
He knows the flesh
I think he speaks Chinese
One time, they tried to steal his bike...
He kicked them in the knees!
Don't mess with the Lawman
Don't mess with his wife
Don't mess with his kids
You'll pay with your life
Final warning, Jag Bag.
Stay out of the Lawman's way;
Start paying your respects right now,
Or there'll be hell to PAY
MORE FROM EDDIE BERTHANSE
Greetings.
Eddie Berthanse here.
Remember Michael Mann's "jag-off classic," Thief (1981)?
Did you see that one?
I did.
There was a top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art jag-off named Leo.
He was played by Robert Prosky.
At first, he was nice.
He offered to be friends with James Caan's Frank character.
He called him a "high-line pro."
He called him "Dr. Wizard."
Then?
Then Leo turned into a ball-bustin' jag bag!
He stole Caan's money.
He blew a hole in Jim Belushi's chest.
He said, quote, "I'll whack out your whole gosh darn family. Kids'll be eatin' 'em in their wimpy burgers tomorrow, and not know it."
So Caan blew his innards all over the wall.
You know why?
Because Leo was a Jag-Off!
Don't be a jag-off.
Don't be a jag-BAG.
Maybe, just maybe, YOU won't get "jagged."
Got it?
Eddie Berthanse here.
Remember Michael Mann's "jag-off classic," Thief (1981)?
Did you see that one?
I did.
There was a top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art jag-off named Leo.
He was played by Robert Prosky.
At first, he was nice.
He offered to be friends with James Caan's Frank character.
He called him a "high-line pro."
He called him "Dr. Wizard."
Then?
Then Leo turned into a ball-bustin' jag bag!
He stole Caan's money.
He blew a hole in Jim Belushi's chest.
He said, quote, "I'll whack out your whole gosh darn family. Kids'll be eatin' 'em in their wimpy burgers tomorrow, and not know it."
So Caan blew his innards all over the wall.
You know why?
Because Leo was a Jag-Off!
Don't be a jag-off.
Don't be a jag-BAG.
Maybe, just maybe, YOU won't get "jagged."
Got it?
GREETINGS FROM "MR. IMPORTANT VOICE"
Greetings, Freinds.
My name is Edward Voorhees Berthanse.
Eddie to those.
I statrted out as a clipboard-smacker for Brain Trust Enterprises Limited, and nowI make Clones.
Still?
Still, I love a good movie.
Back in 1996, Luke Perry and Ashley Judd starred in a straight-t0-cable television drama called NOrmal Life.
Judd was some kind of research egghed.
Perry played a clueless law enforcement professional who ran a bookstore.
Anyway, they show the first time they make love, and we get to see them rip off each other's underwear.
Later, they owe people money, so they start robbing banks.
So, that pretty much takes care of the plot, as such.
Luke's fellow police officers don't like Luke very much.
He doesn't go to bars with them.
He opts out of their drunk-beating sessions.
And he doesn't join them when they shoot animals.
he doesn't do ANY of that stuff.
So they hate him.
He quits.
One cop says, "Adios......JAG-OFF!!!"
That's just about the funnies thing I've ever heard.
Real--or movie.
"Adios.....JAG-OFF."
My name is Edward Voorhees Berthanse.
Eddie to those.
I statrted out as a clipboard-smacker for Brain Trust Enterprises Limited, and nowI make Clones.
Still?
Still, I love a good movie.
Back in 1996, Luke Perry and Ashley Judd starred in a straight-t0-cable television drama called NOrmal Life.
Judd was some kind of research egghed.
Perry played a clueless law enforcement professional who ran a bookstore.
Anyway, they show the first time they make love, and we get to see them rip off each other's underwear.
Later, they owe people money, so they start robbing banks.
So, that pretty much takes care of the plot, as such.
Luke's fellow police officers don't like Luke very much.
He doesn't go to bars with them.
He opts out of their drunk-beating sessions.
And he doesn't join them when they shoot animals.
he doesn't do ANY of that stuff.
So they hate him.
He quits.
One cop says, "Adios......JAG-OFF!!!"
That's just about the funnies thing I've ever heard.
Real--or movie.
"Adios.....JAG-OFF."
FAT GUY CALLS IT QUITS
At three o'clock low, Fat GUy barged into Suite 2323 (the Dream Factory) like he owned the damn place.
Jack Bronstein snuffed out his cigar, and sprang to his feet.
"Fat Guy, you big fat ass!" he grinned. "Sit down, Fatty."
He offered the fat-assed fellow a Fig Newton, but he was rebuked.
"Just business, sir," said Fatty. "Just business."
Rebuked, Bronstein lit up another cigar, and frowned.
"This is a side of you I haven't seen, Fatty," he said. "And frankly? I don't like it. But you're here to talk business. So talk."
Fat Guy took a hit off his asthma inhaler before speaking.
And speak he did.
"here it is, Mr. Bronstein," he beamed. "Baseball Ben Very Good to Me--the legend of Sammy Sosa."
Jack sighed.
Fatty remarked, "And that ain't all, Jack. That ain't all."
"'That ain't all,' Fatty? 'THAT AIN'T ALL'? Come on, Fatty. You haven't even named a male lead. What is this?"
Fat Guy said, "I'll TELL you what this is. I quit."
Jck tossed his cigar out the window, and threw in the lighter for good measure.
"You what?" he gasped.
FAtty replied, "I QUIT. Feel me? Out the door! I"m through working for you. I've had it!"
Bronstein said, "Uh, Fatty, you don't really do any work for me in the first place. YOu bring me half-baked movie ideas, and DickSharkwater makes movies LOOSELY based on said ideas. By the time Dick gets through with 'em, I can't even RECOGNIZE your original IDEAS. That ain't workin'!"
Enraged, Fatty fumed, "Balls."
Jack said, "Make no mistake; i appreciate the way you help me murder the burrito delivery man every day. Make no mistake."
"Don't try to blackmail me, Jack," barked Fatty. "I may have made the phone calls, but YOU pulled the TRIGGER. MURDERER! ELF-FRIEND!"
"Lose the Tolkien airs, FAtty," chuckled Jack. "They don't suit you."
"Suit THIS, boss," laughed Fatty. "you're on your own!"
Jack, struck with solitude, graspoing for something solitude, shoved a cigar in his mouth and wept.
Jack Bronstein snuffed out his cigar, and sprang to his feet.
"Fat Guy, you big fat ass!" he grinned. "Sit down, Fatty."
He offered the fat-assed fellow a Fig Newton, but he was rebuked.
"Just business, sir," said Fatty. "Just business."
Rebuked, Bronstein lit up another cigar, and frowned.
"This is a side of you I haven't seen, Fatty," he said. "And frankly? I don't like it. But you're here to talk business. So talk."
Fat Guy took a hit off his asthma inhaler before speaking.
And speak he did.
"here it is, Mr. Bronstein," he beamed. "Baseball Ben Very Good to Me--the legend of Sammy Sosa."
Jack sighed.
Fatty remarked, "And that ain't all, Jack. That ain't all."
"'That ain't all,' Fatty? 'THAT AIN'T ALL'? Come on, Fatty. You haven't even named a male lead. What is this?"
Fat Guy said, "I'll TELL you what this is. I quit."
Jck tossed his cigar out the window, and threw in the lighter for good measure.
"You what?" he gasped.
FAtty replied, "I QUIT. Feel me? Out the door! I"m through working for you. I've had it!"
Bronstein said, "Uh, Fatty, you don't really do any work for me in the first place. YOu bring me half-baked movie ideas, and DickSharkwater makes movies LOOSELY based on said ideas. By the time Dick gets through with 'em, I can't even RECOGNIZE your original IDEAS. That ain't workin'!"
Enraged, Fatty fumed, "Balls."
Jack said, "Make no mistake; i appreciate the way you help me murder the burrito delivery man every day. Make no mistake."
"Don't try to blackmail me, Jack," barked Fatty. "I may have made the phone calls, but YOU pulled the TRIGGER. MURDERER! ELF-FRIEND!"
"Lose the Tolkien airs, FAtty," chuckled Jack. "They don't suit you."
"Suit THIS, boss," laughed Fatty. "you're on your own!"
Jack, struck with solitude, graspoing for something solitude, shoved a cigar in his mouth and wept.
the smoking 'gum'
Remember "Bazooka Joe"?
Was the Bazooka Joe character "Mort" the tragic hero writ large?
Think about it
Did anything good ever happen to that guy?
He always had that "freaked-out" look on his face; signified by lines jumping from his head.
I htink we s hould devote some serious time and effort toward solving this riddle.
WAS "Mort" THE tragic hero writ large?
Was the Bazooka Joe character "Mort" the tragic hero writ large?
Think about it
Did anything good ever happen to that guy?
He always had that "freaked-out" look on his face; signified by lines jumping from his head.
I htink we s hould devote some serious time and effort toward solving this riddle.
WAS "Mort" THE tragic hero writ large?
Monday, August 24, 2009
THE FOX NEWS NUTWORK
Okay.
Okay.
I knew not to trust Glenn Beck 100%, and I also knew Geraldo Rivera doesn't live up to his own hype.
But MSNBC's adoration of Obama was beginning to remind me of FOX's adoration of Bush, so I tried Fox News as an antidote for a month or so?
Long story short, they refer to torture as "enhanced interrogation techniques," and they're not being ironic.
Crazy like a Fox.
&^%$#@!
Okay.
I knew not to trust Glenn Beck 100%, and I also knew Geraldo Rivera doesn't live up to his own hype.
But MSNBC's adoration of Obama was beginning to remind me of FOX's adoration of Bush, so I tried Fox News as an antidote for a month or so?
Long story short, they refer to torture as "enhanced interrogation techniques," and they're not being ironic.
Crazy like a Fox.
&^%$#@!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
BOB'S BIRTHDAY BLOG
So it turns out that I have the smae birthday as Bruce Hollett, Eric Maxton, Enya Brennan, and Pierce Brosnan.
Where did it start with Pierce Brosnan...and where will it end?
They wouldn't let him play James Bond until the 007 franchise was pretty much dead in the water. I suppose "Goldeneye" wasn't bad...
Remember when his wife, Cassandra Harris, showed up in "For Your Eyes Only"?
I guess there was some kind of contractual obligation pertaining to "Remington Steele" he hadn't counted on.
Anyhow, sometime before or after 2002's "Die Another Day," they made him "Sir" Pierce Brosnan.
I don't know. I don't know if they offered him money to become a knight or what, but it's none of my business.
My fondest memory of Brosnan will always be the end of the early 1980s crime drama "The Long Good Friday." After gangster Bob Hoskins blows up a bunch of his enemies, he gets stuck in teh back of a car, and Pierce Brosnan is sitting there pointing a gun at him while the movie ends.
Here's to the 1980 version of Pierce Brosnan!
Where did it start with Pierce Brosnan...and where will it end?
They wouldn't let him play James Bond until the 007 franchise was pretty much dead in the water. I suppose "Goldeneye" wasn't bad...
Remember when his wife, Cassandra Harris, showed up in "For Your Eyes Only"?
I guess there was some kind of contractual obligation pertaining to "Remington Steele" he hadn't counted on.
Anyhow, sometime before or after 2002's "Die Another Day," they made him "Sir" Pierce Brosnan.
I don't know. I don't know if they offered him money to become a knight or what, but it's none of my business.
My fondest memory of Brosnan will always be the end of the early 1980s crime drama "The Long Good Friday." After gangster Bob Hoskins blows up a bunch of his enemies, he gets stuck in teh back of a car, and Pierce Brosnan is sitting there pointing a gun at him while the movie ends.
Here's to the 1980 version of Pierce Brosnan!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Bob and Len's Cubs Blog--Hold the Len
There are things you don't forget.
IN late September, A.D. 1984, the Chicago Cubs Major League Baseball team won the National League's Eastern Division, or 'East.'
This was a good ten years before they had a 'Central' Division.
Anyway, the two major Chicago newspapers of the 1980s weighed in the morning after the victory.
One of them ran the headline, "At Last."
The other announced, "Cubs Win."
Perhaps most memorably, either WGN-TV, or WGN-AM Radio 720, or both, played a recording of Barry Manilow singing, "Looks like we made it!"
"We" are Cubs fans.
We had waited nearly four decades for the Cubs to get a look at post-season baseball.
Post-season baseball is another way to say "Playoffs."
Playoffs!
So, after two victories over the San Diego padres in early October of '84, the CUbs appeared to have, AGAIN, a World Series date with the Detroit Tigers.
Unfortunately, San Diego won the next three games.
No pennant for Chicago.
No World Series.
Now, i could go on and on about how unfair it was to force Chicago to "cede" home-field advantage to San Diego, or how demoralizing Garry Templeton's bizarre "pre-victory dance" was, or how WRONG it was that, a mere year later, the National League Championship Series went from a Best-of-FIVE-games series, to a Best-of-SEVEN-games series.
Never mind.
I'm writing about the high-falutin' media.
Remember "Cubs Win!" and "At last!"?
Well, the morning after the Padres beat teh Cubs, here were the headlines:
"Cubs Lose," and "Paradise Lost."
How many baseball fans were familiar with the writing of John Milton in the mid-1980s?
How many baseball fans are familiar with the writing of John Milton NOW?
It's like Roy Hobbs says: "Only homer I know has four bases."
It's a quarter of a century later. I'm waiting on an explanation for the 2008 "victory celebration."
And I"m still waiting on the Cubs.
IN late September, A.D. 1984, the Chicago Cubs Major League Baseball team won the National League's Eastern Division, or 'East.'
This was a good ten years before they had a 'Central' Division.
Anyway, the two major Chicago newspapers of the 1980s weighed in the morning after the victory.
One of them ran the headline, "At Last."
The other announced, "Cubs Win."
Perhaps most memorably, either WGN-TV, or WGN-AM Radio 720, or both, played a recording of Barry Manilow singing, "Looks like we made it!"
"We" are Cubs fans.
We had waited nearly four decades for the Cubs to get a look at post-season baseball.
Post-season baseball is another way to say "Playoffs."
Playoffs!
So, after two victories over the San Diego padres in early October of '84, the CUbs appeared to have, AGAIN, a World Series date with the Detroit Tigers.
Unfortunately, San Diego won the next three games.
No pennant for Chicago.
No World Series.
Now, i could go on and on about how unfair it was to force Chicago to "cede" home-field advantage to San Diego, or how demoralizing Garry Templeton's bizarre "pre-victory dance" was, or how WRONG it was that, a mere year later, the National League Championship Series went from a Best-of-FIVE-games series, to a Best-of-SEVEN-games series.
Never mind.
I'm writing about the high-falutin' media.
Remember "Cubs Win!" and "At last!"?
Well, the morning after the Padres beat teh Cubs, here were the headlines:
"Cubs Lose," and "Paradise Lost."
How many baseball fans were familiar with the writing of John Milton in the mid-1980s?
How many baseball fans are familiar with the writing of John Milton NOW?
It's like Roy Hobbs says: "Only homer I know has four bases."
It's a quarter of a century later. I'm waiting on an explanation for the 2008 "victory celebration."
And I"m still waiting on the Cubs.
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