Wednesday, December 28, 2011

show biz!!!!

Mark 'one last gig' Wahlberg trades in his guns for a pair of 'sand sandals'...and a castle.
HE'S GOING TO THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

THE MEDIUM SIZE LEBOWSKI

starring
John Methuselah Bronstein as "Jack"
"Jack" as Jeff Bridges
Jeff Bridges as "Lebowski"
John Goodman as "Fat Guy"
"Fat Guy" as Fatty
Fatty as "Sobczak"
and
Elmer the Glaviano Setter as Donny

It was Sunday, and 'The Alley' was pretty deserted.
But then, The Alley was deserted most Sundays.
Bob Dylan's haunting 'Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands' wafted from the radio.
Fat Guy beamed, "Whoa. Now THIS song takes me BACK."
"Yeah?" replied Jack Bronstein.
Fat Guy nodded, "And how. It reminds me of building tree forts with Skinny Boy. Back in the day!"
Jack sipped his drink, and he grinned, "Sure. Everybody who isn't gay has built a tree fort of some kind."
Fatty gaped.
"At least once," added Jack.
Fatty balked, "What the hell does that mean, Jack?"
Jack shrugged.
Fatty said, "You're silly. PLENTY of gay people build forts. Just look at Russia's best!"
Jack gawked, "'Russia's Best'? What's that, Fatty? A salad dressing? Heh heh."
Fatty bellowed, "Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky!!!"
Jack laughed mirthfully.
The Bob Dylan was replaced-in due course-by Tchaikovsky's 'Capriccio Italien.'
Jack nodded approvingly.
Fatty adjusted his eyeglassed, and declared, "Tchaikovsky is a towering genius--and one of the most tragic figures of the 19th century."
Jack puffed on a cigarette.
"Allegedly," Fatty went on, "Tchaikovsky had romantic feelings for his nephew, Bob."
Perplexed, Jack asked, "They got Russian people named BOB?"
Fatty replied, "Yes. At least ONE. Here's the point, Jack. Scholars agree that Pyotr Tchaikovsky's suicide was prompted by homosexual panic. The BAD kind. He had to die."
Squinting, Jack said, "Why did he have to die?"
"To save face, Jack," sighed Fatty.
Jack said, "I see. So they hate gay homosexuals in Russia."
Fatty lamented, "Jack, the Russians hate pretty much everybody."
Jack chuckled ironically.
Fatty added, "Give or take."
"They sure were mean to my ancestors," reflected Jack.
Fatty nodded, "I don't doubt it. But back to my story. Russia is full of snow. Fertile fort territory--and then some."
"Firth of Forth," barked Elmer Conigliario, the princely Glaviano Setter.
Jack gasped, "Elmer! When did YOU get here?"
"I live here," barked Elmer.
Fatty growled, "Let's try to stay on one topic here, please. I'm telling a story. Gay composers like Tchaikovsky--"
Elmer interjected, "WOOF. You two are BOTH homosexual, Fatty. WOOF."
Fatty frowned.
"WOOF," continued Elmer. "Here's how. Frieda Kokovoko answers phones for you two. She arranges holidays. And if you would like--"
Petula Clark's "Don't Sleep in the Subway" blasted form the radio, drowning out Elmer.
Jack said, "That's a Monty Python reference. And it's not safe for children. Come on!"
Fatty shrugged obtusely.
Elmer concluded, "WOOF. Look. Two STRAIGHT men would be a lot friendlier to Frieda. Natch?"
Jack quipped, "Fact or opinion, Elmer?"
Elmer growled.
"A word about Frieda," said Jack. "She's clearly a secret agent. A DOUBLE agent. Pope Benedict PLANTED her here. She's helping Mike Piazza spy on rogue Jesuits like Fatty."
"I don't BELIEVE you, Jack!" cried Fatty. "Now tell him who killed JFK!"
"It was the Dukes!" gasped Eddie Murphy. "It was the Dukes!"
Sarah Kane observed, "Mental illness is ultimatley physical."
Bob nodded, "Sarah's right. And I can't say you people didn't try."