Friday, September 2, 2011

it all began with Seinfeld's Jack Klompus

THE LEGEND OF STEINFELD’S CASINO

Fat Guy couldn’t wait to get home.
He had just put in some quality minutes at Mock’s Pinball Emporium. And he HATED to walk away from a game of Centipede.
But he couldn’t WAIT to get HOME.
Why?
Two words.
Lemon sherbet.
Got it?
Turning the corner onto Bojax Avenue, Fatty bumped into neighborhood postal type, Carl ‘Zagnut’ Carlson.
Zagnut was thrilled.
“FATTY!” boomed Zagnut, in his anachronistic baritone. “How the hell are ya?”
Zagnut may have weighed a mere 200 pounds to Fat Guy’s 300, but let’s not entertain any illusions about the size of the ensuing hug.
Rest assured—it was one big-ass hug.
Fatty smiled, “So, how’s the mail business?”
Zagnut shrugged, “Same old, SAME old. Who cares? Let’s get a beer!”
Fatty politely declined.
“No thanks, Zaggy,” he said. “I got a sweet bowl of lemon SHERBET waitin’ for me back at my DIGS. So, there you have it. Taste the freedom, Zagnut!”
“I don’t get this,” said Zagnut. “Remember when they named Fat Free Fat Guy the Worst Fat Guy Ever?”
Fatty nodded.
Zagnut yelled, “They should have given that award to you!!!”
Fatty went pale.
Zagnut concluded, “And you can TAKE that lemon SHERBET, and you can SHOVE it—“
Suddenly, famous comedian type Jerry Steinfeld popped around the corner.
“Good evening, gentlemen,” smiled Steinfeld.
Fatty squinted, “What gives?”
“Yeah,” said Zaggy. “Fat Guy has a point. What ARE you doing here?”
Steinfeld said, “Been to Las Vegas lately?”
“I haven’t been to Vegas in years,” said Zaggy.
Fatty nodded, “Me neither.”
“Right,” grinned Steinfeld. “And why would you? WHY WOULD YOU GO TO VEGAS? You wouldn’t. And I’ll TELL you why.”
Fatty chuckled, “You’ll tell us why NOT, you mean, Jerry.”
Zaggy rolled h is eyes.
Jerry shook his head.
“Why NOT,” said a smug, self-satisfied Fatty.
Jerry remarked, “Fatty, you’re a real SMUG-not, aren’t you?”
Fatty nodded smugly.
Jerry announced, “Here’s the ‘why’ part, gentlemen. HERE’S WHY. All the action is HERE. Right here in Atlantic City.”
Zaggy screwed up his eyes.
Fatty began, “But, we’re not—“
“Stow it, Fatty!” grinned Steinfeld. “All the action’s right here at Steinfeld’s Casino. Here’s what we got.”
In awe, Zaggy gasped, “SHARE us what you got.”
Fatty nodded smugly.
“HERE’S WHAT WE GOT,” beamed Steinfeld. “Hottest slots. Biggest pay-outs. Plus? Plus, a free gift. A pen. A pen from space. A PEN THAT WRITES UPSIDE DOWN. SHOVE THAT IN YOUR POCKET, PAL.”

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