elmer, Glaviano setter of note, paused.
"What's that, pooch? Cat got yer tongue?" chuckled Fat Guy.
Jack Bronstein made a furtive 'don't do that' hand signal.
Elmer barked, "Cute as a hangnail, Fatty. Bad manners to boot. Here's the thing. You can sing and dance about trifectas until you win, place, show, lose, and draw. There's a catch."
Overweight ombudsman that he was, Fatty arrogantly lit up a stink-a-roo cigar, and puffed.
"Here's the catch," continued Elmer. It was a great idea you had a decade ago."
Fatty nodded smugly.
Elmer warned, "Smug me not, lackbeard."
Fatty nervously tugged at his chin.
Jack lit up his own stink-a-roo, put it in his mouth, and made the 'fingers-pointed-at-eyes-so-as-to-indicate-I'm-watching-you' hand gesture.
"Brilliant casting, Fatty!" allowed Elmer. 'The Gooder, The Badder, and the Uglier.' With Giuseppe Verdi as the Vatican as Tuco Ramirez as Eli Wallach."
Jack made a face.
Elmer went on, "Clint Eastwood as the Beatles as the Jesuits as Blondie as The Man With No Name."
Slurping on a Burfresca drink, Fatty bellowed, "FIVE names, more like!"
Gravely, Jack blew out the last Hanukkah candle, frowned, and declared, "It's no mistake that they cast you as the M. Emmett Walsh 'Bryant' character in the prequel to 'Blade Runner,' Fatty."
"I thought that was a video game!" protested Fatty.
A Morricone melody called "The Strong" wafted from parts unknown into the office.
Fatty nodded smugly.
"Last but not least!" barked Elmer. "Rounding out the Armagideon Trifecta. Lee van Cleef as Angel Eyes Setenza as James Bond as 007 as British Intelligence."
Elmer let out a yawn, and saw to some biscuit offering.
Fatty squinted, "Is there a moral to this story, Elmer?"
"I'll take this one," said Jack. "What Elmer's trying to say, is, like it or not, 007 has an unfair advantage over Verdi and the Beatles."
"How so, Jack?"
Jack shrugged, "The James Bond Theme is THE most well-known pop song in the world. Whether or not Verdi's 'Nabucco,' or John Lennon's 'Imagine,' is BETTER than James Bond Theme, James Bond Theme has reached more people!"
Fatty scoffed, "What utter and condensed bs. Popularity contests are bunk. The 1960 United States Presidential election may have been the last popularity contest worth winning. And Dick Nixon ended up winning anyway. Bunk."
"WOOF," Elmer warned, "Stay away from that Nixon third rail. Be smart. WOOF."
Jack nodded, "He's right, Fatty. Nixon is poison. Artistically--and politically. Step off."
Fatty said, "I'm confused. You're saying, if I turn my Armagideon Trifecta into a Broadway stage situation,, 007 has to win?"
Jack nodded smugly.
"Majority rules, Fatty," sighed Elmer. "You should try something a little less toxic. What about the Wall of Sound?"
Fatty gaped, "You mean, the caucasian guy, with the Afro, who killed his girlfriend in 2003? As portrayed on TV by Al Pacino?"
Jack shook his head.
"That's exactly what I mean," smiled Elmer. "Before Leonard Cohen convicted Phil Spector of being insane, in a magazine, Spector produced some quality."
Jack laughed, "Quality's an adjective, Elmer."
Elmer barked, "YOU"RE an adjective, Jack!"
Jack shrugged, "Fair enough."
"Now get to work, Fatty," said a helpful Elmer. "I want an essay comparing--and contrasting--the Ronettes' Greatest Hits CD...and the Crystals' Greatest Hits CD. Don't get cute. Don't pull somme 'also starring the Shirelles' 'Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?' as The Gordian Knot' stunt. I will chomp you up and bury you in the back YARD. Feel me?"
Fatty nodded curtly.
Jack lit up a hash monkey, split the difference, and beamed, "Eat 'em and smile, Fatty. Eat 'em and smile."
"I intend to," Fatty said ominously.
And the trifecta lived to see another sunrise.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
show biz!!!!
Mark 'one last gig' Wahlberg trades in his guns for a pair of 'sand sandals'...and a castle.
HE'S GOING TO THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HE'S GOING TO THE BEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
THE MEDIUM SIZE LEBOWSKI
starring
John Methuselah Bronstein as "Jack"
"Jack" as Jeff Bridges
Jeff Bridges as "Lebowski"
John Goodman as "Fat Guy"
"Fat Guy" as Fatty
Fatty as "Sobczak"
and
Elmer the Glaviano Setter as Donny
It was Sunday, and 'The Alley' was pretty deserted.
But then, The Alley was deserted most Sundays.
Bob Dylan's haunting 'Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands' wafted from the radio.
Fat Guy beamed, "Whoa. Now THIS song takes me BACK."
"Yeah?" replied Jack Bronstein.
Fat Guy nodded, "And how. It reminds me of building tree forts with Skinny Boy. Back in the day!"
Jack sipped his drink, and he grinned, "Sure. Everybody who isn't gay has built a tree fort of some kind."
Fatty gaped.
"At least once," added Jack.
Fatty balked, "What the hell does that mean, Jack?"
Jack shrugged.
Fatty said, "You're silly. PLENTY of gay people build forts. Just look at Russia's best!"
Jack gawked, "'Russia's Best'? What's that, Fatty? A salad dressing? Heh heh."
Fatty bellowed, "Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky!!!"
Jack laughed mirthfully.
The Bob Dylan was replaced-in due course-by Tchaikovsky's 'Capriccio Italien.'
Jack nodded approvingly.
Fatty adjusted his eyeglassed, and declared, "Tchaikovsky is a towering genius--and one of the most tragic figures of the 19th century."
Jack puffed on a cigarette.
"Allegedly," Fatty went on, "Tchaikovsky had romantic feelings for his nephew, Bob."
Perplexed, Jack asked, "They got Russian people named BOB?"
Fatty replied, "Yes. At least ONE. Here's the point, Jack. Scholars agree that Pyotr Tchaikovsky's suicide was prompted by homosexual panic. The BAD kind. He had to die."
Squinting, Jack said, "Why did he have to die?"
"To save face, Jack," sighed Fatty.
Jack said, "I see. So they hate gay homosexuals in Russia."
Fatty lamented, "Jack, the Russians hate pretty much everybody."
Jack chuckled ironically.
Fatty added, "Give or take."
"They sure were mean to my ancestors," reflected Jack.
Fatty nodded, "I don't doubt it. But back to my story. Russia is full of snow. Fertile fort territory--and then some."
"Firth of Forth," barked Elmer Conigliario, the princely Glaviano Setter.
Jack gasped, "Elmer! When did YOU get here?"
"I live here," barked Elmer.
Fatty growled, "Let's try to stay on one topic here, please. I'm telling a story. Gay composers like Tchaikovsky--"
Elmer interjected, "WOOF. You two are BOTH homosexual, Fatty. WOOF."
Fatty frowned.
"WOOF," continued Elmer. "Here's how. Frieda Kokovoko answers phones for you two. She arranges holidays. And if you would like--"
Petula Clark's "Don't Sleep in the Subway" blasted form the radio, drowning out Elmer.
Jack said, "That's a Monty Python reference. And it's not safe for children. Come on!"
Fatty shrugged obtusely.
Elmer concluded, "WOOF. Look. Two STRAIGHT men would be a lot friendlier to Frieda. Natch?"
Jack quipped, "Fact or opinion, Elmer?"
Elmer growled.
"A word about Frieda," said Jack. "She's clearly a secret agent. A DOUBLE agent. Pope Benedict PLANTED her here. She's helping Mike Piazza spy on rogue Jesuits like Fatty."
"I don't BELIEVE you, Jack!" cried Fatty. "Now tell him who killed JFK!"
"It was the Dukes!" gasped Eddie Murphy. "It was the Dukes!"
Sarah Kane observed, "Mental illness is ultimatley physical."
Bob nodded, "Sarah's right. And I can't say you people didn't try."
John Methuselah Bronstein as "Jack"
"Jack" as Jeff Bridges
Jeff Bridges as "Lebowski"
John Goodman as "Fat Guy"
"Fat Guy" as Fatty
Fatty as "Sobczak"
and
Elmer the Glaviano Setter as Donny
It was Sunday, and 'The Alley' was pretty deserted.
But then, The Alley was deserted most Sundays.
Bob Dylan's haunting 'Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands' wafted from the radio.
Fat Guy beamed, "Whoa. Now THIS song takes me BACK."
"Yeah?" replied Jack Bronstein.
Fat Guy nodded, "And how. It reminds me of building tree forts with Skinny Boy. Back in the day!"
Jack sipped his drink, and he grinned, "Sure. Everybody who isn't gay has built a tree fort of some kind."
Fatty gaped.
"At least once," added Jack.
Fatty balked, "What the hell does that mean, Jack?"
Jack shrugged.
Fatty said, "You're silly. PLENTY of gay people build forts. Just look at Russia's best!"
Jack gawked, "'Russia's Best'? What's that, Fatty? A salad dressing? Heh heh."
Fatty bellowed, "Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky!!!"
Jack laughed mirthfully.
The Bob Dylan was replaced-in due course-by Tchaikovsky's 'Capriccio Italien.'
Jack nodded approvingly.
Fatty adjusted his eyeglassed, and declared, "Tchaikovsky is a towering genius--and one of the most tragic figures of the 19th century."
Jack puffed on a cigarette.
"Allegedly," Fatty went on, "Tchaikovsky had romantic feelings for his nephew, Bob."
Perplexed, Jack asked, "They got Russian people named BOB?"
Fatty replied, "Yes. At least ONE. Here's the point, Jack. Scholars agree that Pyotr Tchaikovsky's suicide was prompted by homosexual panic. The BAD kind. He had to die."
Squinting, Jack said, "Why did he have to die?"
"To save face, Jack," sighed Fatty.
Jack said, "I see. So they hate gay homosexuals in Russia."
Fatty lamented, "Jack, the Russians hate pretty much everybody."
Jack chuckled ironically.
Fatty added, "Give or take."
"They sure were mean to my ancestors," reflected Jack.
Fatty nodded, "I don't doubt it. But back to my story. Russia is full of snow. Fertile fort territory--and then some."
"Firth of Forth," barked Elmer Conigliario, the princely Glaviano Setter.
Jack gasped, "Elmer! When did YOU get here?"
"I live here," barked Elmer.
Fatty growled, "Let's try to stay on one topic here, please. I'm telling a story. Gay composers like Tchaikovsky--"
Elmer interjected, "WOOF. You two are BOTH homosexual, Fatty. WOOF."
Fatty frowned.
"WOOF," continued Elmer. "Here's how. Frieda Kokovoko answers phones for you two. She arranges holidays. And if you would like--"
Petula Clark's "Don't Sleep in the Subway" blasted form the radio, drowning out Elmer.
Jack said, "That's a Monty Python reference. And it's not safe for children. Come on!"
Fatty shrugged obtusely.
Elmer concluded, "WOOF. Look. Two STRAIGHT men would be a lot friendlier to Frieda. Natch?"
Jack quipped, "Fact or opinion, Elmer?"
Elmer growled.
"A word about Frieda," said Jack. "She's clearly a secret agent. A DOUBLE agent. Pope Benedict PLANTED her here. She's helping Mike Piazza spy on rogue Jesuits like Fatty."
"I don't BELIEVE you, Jack!" cried Fatty. "Now tell him who killed JFK!"
"It was the Dukes!" gasped Eddie Murphy. "It was the Dukes!"
Sarah Kane observed, "Mental illness is ultimatley physical."
Bob nodded, "Sarah's right. And I can't say you people didn't try."
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
different country?
OK.
I order a six-inch seafood and crab from the Subway sandwich house.
Located on Kane Street in McHenry, Illinois.
Shrimp, cheese, seasonings, bread.
Things are going swimmingly until 'Point of Sale.'
I present the coupon, which says the sandwich is only $2.99.
Guy reads coupon.
Guy holds coupon for almost a minute.
I say, "Is that the wrong coupon?" or something like that.
Guy says that, today being October 27, 2011, or 10/27/11, and the coupon expiring November 15, 2011, or 11/15/11, the coupon is no longer good.
I assume he has a problem, so I say, "OK, how much?"
Cash register says $4.00.
Guy tells me it's $4.40.
I may not go back to that particular Subway sandwich house.
I order a six-inch seafood and crab from the Subway sandwich house.
Located on Kane Street in McHenry, Illinois.
Shrimp, cheese, seasonings, bread.
Things are going swimmingly until 'Point of Sale.'
I present the coupon, which says the sandwich is only $2.99.
Guy reads coupon.
Guy holds coupon for almost a minute.
I say, "Is that the wrong coupon?" or something like that.
Guy says that, today being October 27, 2011, or 10/27/11, and the coupon expiring November 15, 2011, or 11/15/11, the coupon is no longer good.
I assume he has a problem, so I say, "OK, how much?"
Cash register says $4.00.
Guy tells me it's $4.40.
I may not go back to that particular Subway sandwich house.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
THE MOONWALKER
The King of Pop was born in Indiana.
Five brothers and three sisters had his back.
From 'Off the Wall' to 'History,' his talent was no mystery.
If you don't like good music, please step back.
Michael Jackson was the brains behind the five.
He rocked the beat and then some, no mistake.
Critics tried to steal his thunder, say the whole thing was a blunder.
In the end, Michael was real, and they were fake.
Five brothers and three sisters had his back.
From 'Off the Wall' to 'History,' his talent was no mystery.
If you don't like good music, please step back.
Michael Jackson was the brains behind the five.
He rocked the beat and then some, no mistake.
Critics tried to steal his thunder, say the whole thing was a blunder.
In the end, Michael was real, and they were fake.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Prioritize!
FOCUS
(The Priorities Epic)
Featuring The Biddaddy
John Methuselah Bronstein, known as Jack, was in the place. He was all up in there. He may not have mastered the Death and Dismemberment section of his life insurance policy, but he was definitely in the place.
On Friday, October 13, Jack decided to spend some time at Bunky Bedfellow’s Breakfast Nook.
Everybody was there.
Lenny “Mock” Mockowski shared a booth with his girlfriend Lana, and some mook from the Daily Herald.
Near the door, Grecian Formula Eddie had a game of solitaire going.
Waitress Twixie True ambled over to Jack’s table with purpose.
Jack could tell she was in no mood for his patented grab-ass.
So, after he ordered, Jack broke out with a 1987 model Sony Walkman personal audio cassette deal.
The tunes?
Don Henley’s greatest hits collection, Actual Miles.
But here’s a note about the Breakfast Nook.
Located adjacent to Wittgenstein Woods, the Nook had, over the years, witnessed more than one Biddaddy sighting.
The Biddaddy was dreaded by most folks.
The Biddaddy DREADED most folks.
So, naturally, he pursued somewhat anti-social hobbies.
During leisure time, Biddaddy tended to play pinball at Mock’s. Earthshaker was his favorite.
It bothered Biddaddy that it was such a hassle making the trip to Mock’s. He had to traverse Wittengenstein Woods, tunnel under the gas station, and hop over the Breakfast Nook, just to reach the door to Mock’s.
But there are sacrifices in life.
Even if your name is Biddaddy.
He grinned.
He bore it.
He bore his way through ‘gas station tunnel’ like his life depended on it.
And he whistled.
You could hear Biddaddy coming a mile away, because of the eerie freight train noise he made with his nose. It sounded like the beginning of the second movement of Sergei Prokofiev’s Sixth Symphony.
Biddaddy’s friends were few.
According to legend, the Biddaddy got himself kicked off the Special Olympics Advisory Committee, for embezzling funds with Steve-o. Locals vilified Biddaddy for ‘goofing on the developmentally challenged.’ The local Citizens’ Aciton Board subsequently printed dozens of posters, warning, “Biddaddy Is Not Special.”
The Biddaddy had few friends.
Jack was not one of them.
He didn’t scour the Daily Herald in search of stories about the Biddaddy.
He rarely hung around Mock’s for very long if Biddaddy was in town.
And on that misty morning, Biddaddy was the last thing on Jack’s mind. The Don Henley on his headphones sounded great. The Breakfast Cakes were delicious.
He noticed that Twixie the waitress was ‘making eyes’ at him.
But his mind was elsewhere.
“Maybe I should go over the facts again,” he said out loud. “If I can get Chuck Norris to un-retire, and play McClane in ‘Die Hard Five: Please Let Me Die,’ I’ll be SET. Bruce Willis is old HAT.”
“Hats OFF, Jack!” exclaimed Twixie. “Your thinking-out-loud just scared off another customer. Hats off.”
Jack grinned, “You’re a true friend, Twixie. Heh heh.”
Twixie shook her head in disbelief.
“Then again,” mused Jack. “Then again, Norris just isn’t that big an ass-kicker anymore. What happened to the ninjas? Even ‘Walker Texas RANGER’ is tougher than the eco-warrior sensitive-soul incarnation of Norris.”
Suddenly, the Biddaddy, from the tunnel, whistled.
Lights flickered.
Glass shattered.
Twixie hit the deck.
The sky turned green.
Determined to polish off his Critter Fritters, Jack tried to ignore the second, louder, whistle of the Biddaddy.
The third whistle leveled Bunky Bedfellow’s Breakfast Nook.
Surrounded by rubble, jack ripped off his headphones.
Acid rain fell.
Jack drew his .45, and shot the Walkman.
“Stupid thing played people’s ‘Dirty Laundry,’ he cursed.
Biddaddy, for his part, was still half a block away.
While Nook patrons and staff fled for cover, Jack calmly sipped a little coffee.
He sighed, “Anyway. There HAS to be a way. If I can fuse the environmentally-protective attitudes of Steven Seagal with Chuck Norris’ early shoot-first, shoot-later styled, it’ll be money in the BANK. It’ll be two great tasted in one candy bar! Heh heh. It’ll be—“
“I’M CALLIN’ YOU OUT, BRONSTEIN howled the Biddaddy in his unmistakably anachronistic voice.
Jack shrugged, “Godfrey Stonecroft. I had a hunch I hadn’t seen you for the last time.”
The Biddaddy roared, “That’s Godfrey Stonecroft BIDDADDY to YOU, peanut-head.”
Jack wasn’t scared.
But he did vacate the premises.
“Mock’s Pinball Emporium awaits,” he grinned.
He was on his way.
The master of the pragmatic sanction forgot all about Biddaddy, and he made his way to the foot of Owl Creek Hill.
Then the weird stuff started.
Frankenstein’s Monster stepped into view, smiling a disarmingly reassuring smile.
“Come on down,” said the monster. “The Doctor’s buying everyone beer. First come…first served. HA HA HA HA HA.”
Jack shouted, “You’re on, Frank!”
To Jack’s dismay, ominous black storm clouds appeared a mere ten feet above Frank’s head.
Jack thought, “Hmmm. Maybe I need to prioritize here. Is a beer with Frankenstein worth dying for? Hmmm.”
He drew his .45, and eyed the Monster suspiciously.
“Spit it out, Frank,” he said. “Who sent you?”
Frank grimaced, “It was…BIDDADDY.”
Jack wisely averted his eyes.
In those pre-9-11 days, there was a stiff penalty for those unwise enough to challenged the Biddaddy by uttering his name aloud.
Instant death.
And so, where Frank once stood, sat a pile of greenish-yellow avocado bean mush cake.
Moments later, Dr. Frankenstein HIMSELF appeared.
“Better think fast,” said Jack. “The Doc is sure to try to pin this one on me. And Hannibal Lecter fed my lawyer to the PIGS last week!”
Predictably, while Jack was thinking, Dr. Victor Frankenstein jumped out from behind a bush and took a swing at Jack.
Jack dodged a blow, and rewarded Victor with a ‘no-see-um’ uppercut.
The Doc hit the ground.
Jack said, “I should have known you were in cahoots with what’s-his-name. Now where is he, Doc?”
Doctor Frankenstein pointed toward the still-standing Sanskrit Public Library, and gasped, “He’s taken over the Adult Services wing, jack! It’s his LABORATORY now!”
Jack did a double-take.
“Excuse me, Doc,” he said, “Did you just say ‘luhBOARitoree’?”
Frankenstein smiled, “Yes! I did my homework!”
Jack growled, “Yeah, yeah. Beat it. This is no place for a surgeon.”
Frankenstein gathered up his sundry Gwen Stefani No Doubt mementos, and high-tailed it out of there.
“All right,” said Jack. “This is some pretty strange stuff. But I’m capable. I got bullets in my gun. I got BREAKFAST CAKE in my STOMACH. The hunt is on.”
And so, it was on to Sanskrit.
Able to withstand three Biddaddy Nose Blasts, Sanskrit Public Library was an architectural phenomenon.
Boasting a flying buttress exterior, and plenty of Butt Rest reclining chairs, Sanskrit was the place to be.
“’The Place To Be,’ huh?” said Jack as he studied the engraving on Sanskrit’s front door. “Well, now. I was already IN the PLACE, and now I’m in the place to BE. Go figure. Life is crazy. Neighborhood!”
Just to be obnoxious, Jack blasted away at the engraving until he ran out of bullets.
Kind of a bad move.
Elmer the Glaviano setter, guarding the library with his life, blind-sided Jack the second Jack stepped inside.
“Big mistake, jack!” barked Elmer. “Out of bullets…out of luck!”
The dog bit Jack’s ankles until Jack was screaming for his Aunt Jerthansia.
Elmer chuckled, “WOOF. I notice that, when trouble strikes, your COCKY DEMEANOR and SMART-ASS WAYS dry up. WOOF.”
Jack writhed in pain.
Elmer snarled, “My boss is WAITIN’ for ya.”
“Then let’s not stand on CEREMONY.”
“WOOF,” growled Elmer. “So much for theatrics. Time to take care of business.”
Elmer worked Jack over in businesslike fashion.
At the completion of the ass-kicking, Elmer roared, “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?!”
“I don’t like it at all,” sputtered Jack. “It’s even worse than Steven Seagal’s ‘Fire Down Below.’ How could he make such a travesty? They should make Seagal chop wood in ALASKA with Sarah PALIN for the next ten years!”
In a nightmare vision Jack knew from ‘Creepy’ magazine, Elmer’s tail became a deadly silver hammer.
Raising the hammer-tail, Elmer laughed, “Bang, bang!”
Staggering under the blow, Jack groaned, “Damn silver hammer,” and passed out.
FOCUS
The Revengination
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=124omFd5ioQ
Jack Bronstein recognized the music.
Regaining consciousness, he got the impression that the piece was being performed by a pack of humanoid Glaviano setter Clones.
Or maybe he was dreaming.
But it sure sounded like Patrick Cassidy’s eerie Vide Cor Meum number from the soundtrack to Hannibal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuVb51MGERY
Then, Jack became aware of another voice.
It sounded vaguely familiar.
He opened his eyes.
“Here I am, Jack,” grinned Library Boss Dice Dickman.
Dice snapped his fingers.
He intoned, “Hello!”
Dice even made that ‘eyeballs gesture,’ wherein he pointed to his eyes, so as to make Jack establish eye contact.
“I HATE that gesture!” screamed the barely-conscious Jack. “What’s goin’ ON here, Dice?”
Dice snapped his fingers, silencing the music.
Jack blinked.
Dice smiled, “Nevertheless. I switched to Camels this week. I really taste the difference!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCMzjJjuxQI
Jack shook his head.
Puffing on a cigarette, Dice asked, “Jack, have you assessed your priorities lately?”
“My PRIORITIES?” balked Jack. “HUH?”
“Prioritize, Jack,” Dice said calmly. “Take stock of what’s important—and what isn’t. You know? Prioritization.”
As prophesied by John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack scratched his head, and did his best ‘James Dean.’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8rnx4OR3io
“What do you say?” said Dice. “Thoughts? Ideas?”
Jack nodded, “Oh yeah. I got an idea. How about I PRIORITIZE my FOOT in your ass? Eh?”
Dice rolled his eyes.
He grabbed a microphones, and said, “Jack, priorities are part of life. We all need to re-assess them—every now and then.”
Jack began, “Well, I—“
“Prioritize!” interjected Dice. “Prioritize. It’s no wonder the Order of the Fat Guy wants to straighten you out.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrykk7E_2i0&feature=related
Jack chuckled.
“What’s so funny, Jack?”
“’Straighten me out.’ Ha. You don’t straighten me out, Dice. I straighten YOU out.”
Dice cracked, “Knock off the Moe Greene routine, Captain Mean. This ain’t Las Vegas.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV-H1YFNmkw
Dice continued, “Get ready, Jack. GET READY TO MEET THE BID-“
There was a flash of light.
A mushy Dice corpse fell to the floor.
Jack chuckled, “How do ya like that? Ultimate Evil hated Dice so much, he vaporized him after only ONE SYLLABLE of his NAME. How do you like THAT.”
“I like it just fine!” cackled an otherworldly, stiff-necked, genuine oakwood replica of film critic Leonard Maltin.
Jack screamed, “Oh, Jerthansia! What have they done to my magical dream?”
“Shut UP, jamoke!” laughed Maltin. “Ha ha ha. Remember Jean-Claude Van Damme’s thrilling performance as ‘Chance’ in 1993’s Hard Target?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCTNP46Wq3o
Jack said, “I remember John Woo used to be a good DIRECTOR, pal.”
“Ha ha ha,” chuckled Maltin. “Indeed! Hard Target was Woo’s first American film. Ha ha ha. Hard Target was all up in there. Ha ha ha. Lance Henriksen turned in an outstandingly villainous performance as Van Demme’s nemesis, Fouchon. Ha ha ha. Outwardly a respectable businessman, Fouchon was, in reality, a psychopath. A psychopath who arranged hunting safaris. Hunting safaris for people who wanted to kill the most dangerous game of all—man.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw2v2N-RJVg&feature=related
Jack yawned, “And…?”
Maltin yelled, “And he forgot to PRIORITIZE! Jamoke!”
Lance Henriksen himself walked around the corner.
Crossbow-enhanced, Lance blew the wooden Maltin to smithereens.
“Good job, Lance!”
Lance wiped the gunpowder off of his smoking jacket, and he grinned, “Let’s hunt some Fat Guy.”
“That reminds me, Lance,” said Jack. “I have a GREAT idea for a screenplay.”
Lance rolled his eyes.
“What is with everybody and the SCREENPLAYS?” he lamented.
Jack grinned, “I got it all figured out. My next motion picture will be called Re-Assess My Priorities, My Ass: The Hardest Target Of Them All. It’ll have spies, lies, and killer Fat Guys.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HL3BYMYi1kw
Lance squinted, “Excuse me, Jack is this real life, or is it a movie?”
Mirthfully, Jack flipped a shiny, silver coin, and called it ‘tails.’
“There you have it, Lance,” grinned Jack. “It’s a movie.”
Lance tossed his cigar into the adjacent boiler room, and he said, “Then FORGET it. I HATE libraries.”
Lance stormed away.
“Fine,” Jack said to the air. “Leave ME holding the BAG.”
“JAG-bag, more like,” joked legendary Hollywood tough guy, Charles Bronson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzhKHNgBAZ4
Before Jack could speak, Bronson gave him ten punches in the stomach, and dumped some rancid potato salad on his head.
Just to get the ball rolling.
“Evil is like rancid potato salad,” Charles laughed. “It’s even worse when you’re at the library.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS2YMu56vC0&feature=related
Jack whimpered and doubled over.
Vigilante man slapped him in the face until the potato salad was rancid AND runny.
“How does it taste?” laughed Charles.
Jack gasped, “Bronson, what are you doing? I thought you were one of the good guys!”
“You’re a smart one, Jack. Figure it out.”
Wincing under another punch, Jack managed to land an uppercut.
“Did the Fat Guys pay you off?” he gasped.
“Fat Guys,” scoffed Charles. “I ate the Fat Guys for DINNER last night, Jack. With some fava beans…and a COKE.”
Shedding the Charles Buchinsky disguise, Ultimate Evil, a.k.a. Godfrey Stonecroft Biddaddy, smiled, “Its like this, Jack. Disguise or no disguise, you can consider your ass BEATEN. USELESS to RESIST, and whatnot!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6sj89xgnl4
The end appeared to be very near.
“No way are you my father,” grunted Jack. “My dad is a rabbi. His name isn’t even Godfrey!”
Biddaddy replied, “I refer you to the original Shakespeare, son. There are more things on heaven on earth than you can shake a STICK at. Consider your next move very carefully. Patricide is no laughing matter.”
Jack went for broke.
He grabbed Biddaddy’s crossbow by the trigger, and flipped it around a la Steven Seagal in On Deadly Ground (1994).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yVoHp1dUvg
Jack managed to squeeze off six shots, but they barely left a dent.
Biddaddy regained control of the crossbow, and he grinned an evil grin.
“Consider this, John Methuselah,” he said, “What if this really IS just a movie? Seems to me, you better make sure you’re on the right side of the MIRROR.”
Jack quipped, “Mirror has two faces, pops.”
Whistling with rage, Biddaddy roared, “DON’T CALL ME POPS!!!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdemGogeve4
“Schnapps?” said Jack.
Biddaddy frowned, “Enough. I have had it with your gamesmanship, contumely, and smart-ass-hood. Now there are two ways out of this glorified Mardi Gras graveyard, son. The stairs…and the window. Well?”
Jack shrugged, “Easy enough,” and hurtled out the window into the next dimension.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHMTeXJluCo
Left to his own devices, Ultimate Evil lamented, “This is a bit anti-climactic. I WAS about to hand that ingrate the keys to the city—and beyond. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board. Or maybe just the 3DBB.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boC1KL-lFtY
(The Priorities Epic)
Featuring The Biddaddy
John Methuselah Bronstein, known as Jack, was in the place. He was all up in there. He may not have mastered the Death and Dismemberment section of his life insurance policy, but he was definitely in the place.
On Friday, October 13, Jack decided to spend some time at Bunky Bedfellow’s Breakfast Nook.
Everybody was there.
Lenny “Mock” Mockowski shared a booth with his girlfriend Lana, and some mook from the Daily Herald.
Near the door, Grecian Formula Eddie had a game of solitaire going.
Waitress Twixie True ambled over to Jack’s table with purpose.
Jack could tell she was in no mood for his patented grab-ass.
So, after he ordered, Jack broke out with a 1987 model Sony Walkman personal audio cassette deal.
The tunes?
Don Henley’s greatest hits collection, Actual Miles.
But here’s a note about the Breakfast Nook.
Located adjacent to Wittgenstein Woods, the Nook had, over the years, witnessed more than one Biddaddy sighting.
The Biddaddy was dreaded by most folks.
The Biddaddy DREADED most folks.
So, naturally, he pursued somewhat anti-social hobbies.
During leisure time, Biddaddy tended to play pinball at Mock’s. Earthshaker was his favorite.
It bothered Biddaddy that it was such a hassle making the trip to Mock’s. He had to traverse Wittengenstein Woods, tunnel under the gas station, and hop over the Breakfast Nook, just to reach the door to Mock’s.
But there are sacrifices in life.
Even if your name is Biddaddy.
He grinned.
He bore it.
He bore his way through ‘gas station tunnel’ like his life depended on it.
And he whistled.
You could hear Biddaddy coming a mile away, because of the eerie freight train noise he made with his nose. It sounded like the beginning of the second movement of Sergei Prokofiev’s Sixth Symphony.
Biddaddy’s friends were few.
According to legend, the Biddaddy got himself kicked off the Special Olympics Advisory Committee, for embezzling funds with Steve-o. Locals vilified Biddaddy for ‘goofing on the developmentally challenged.’ The local Citizens’ Aciton Board subsequently printed dozens of posters, warning, “Biddaddy Is Not Special.”
The Biddaddy had few friends.
Jack was not one of them.
He didn’t scour the Daily Herald in search of stories about the Biddaddy.
He rarely hung around Mock’s for very long if Biddaddy was in town.
And on that misty morning, Biddaddy was the last thing on Jack’s mind. The Don Henley on his headphones sounded great. The Breakfast Cakes were delicious.
He noticed that Twixie the waitress was ‘making eyes’ at him.
But his mind was elsewhere.
“Maybe I should go over the facts again,” he said out loud. “If I can get Chuck Norris to un-retire, and play McClane in ‘Die Hard Five: Please Let Me Die,’ I’ll be SET. Bruce Willis is old HAT.”
“Hats OFF, Jack!” exclaimed Twixie. “Your thinking-out-loud just scared off another customer. Hats off.”
Jack grinned, “You’re a true friend, Twixie. Heh heh.”
Twixie shook her head in disbelief.
“Then again,” mused Jack. “Then again, Norris just isn’t that big an ass-kicker anymore. What happened to the ninjas? Even ‘Walker Texas RANGER’ is tougher than the eco-warrior sensitive-soul incarnation of Norris.”
Suddenly, the Biddaddy, from the tunnel, whistled.
Lights flickered.
Glass shattered.
Twixie hit the deck.
The sky turned green.
Determined to polish off his Critter Fritters, Jack tried to ignore the second, louder, whistle of the Biddaddy.
The third whistle leveled Bunky Bedfellow’s Breakfast Nook.
Surrounded by rubble, jack ripped off his headphones.
Acid rain fell.
Jack drew his .45, and shot the Walkman.
“Stupid thing played people’s ‘Dirty Laundry,’ he cursed.
Biddaddy, for his part, was still half a block away.
While Nook patrons and staff fled for cover, Jack calmly sipped a little coffee.
He sighed, “Anyway. There HAS to be a way. If I can fuse the environmentally-protective attitudes of Steven Seagal with Chuck Norris’ early shoot-first, shoot-later styled, it’ll be money in the BANK. It’ll be two great tasted in one candy bar! Heh heh. It’ll be—“
“I’M CALLIN’ YOU OUT, BRONSTEIN howled the Biddaddy in his unmistakably anachronistic voice.
Jack shrugged, “Godfrey Stonecroft. I had a hunch I hadn’t seen you for the last time.”
The Biddaddy roared, “That’s Godfrey Stonecroft BIDDADDY to YOU, peanut-head.”
Jack wasn’t scared.
But he did vacate the premises.
“Mock’s Pinball Emporium awaits,” he grinned.
He was on his way.
The master of the pragmatic sanction forgot all about Biddaddy, and he made his way to the foot of Owl Creek Hill.
Then the weird stuff started.
Frankenstein’s Monster stepped into view, smiling a disarmingly reassuring smile.
“Come on down,” said the monster. “The Doctor’s buying everyone beer. First come…first served. HA HA HA HA HA.”
Jack shouted, “You’re on, Frank!”
To Jack’s dismay, ominous black storm clouds appeared a mere ten feet above Frank’s head.
Jack thought, “Hmmm. Maybe I need to prioritize here. Is a beer with Frankenstein worth dying for? Hmmm.”
He drew his .45, and eyed the Monster suspiciously.
“Spit it out, Frank,” he said. “Who sent you?”
Frank grimaced, “It was…BIDDADDY.”
Jack wisely averted his eyes.
In those pre-9-11 days, there was a stiff penalty for those unwise enough to challenged the Biddaddy by uttering his name aloud.
Instant death.
And so, where Frank once stood, sat a pile of greenish-yellow avocado bean mush cake.
Moments later, Dr. Frankenstein HIMSELF appeared.
“Better think fast,” said Jack. “The Doc is sure to try to pin this one on me. And Hannibal Lecter fed my lawyer to the PIGS last week!”
Predictably, while Jack was thinking, Dr. Victor Frankenstein jumped out from behind a bush and took a swing at Jack.
Jack dodged a blow, and rewarded Victor with a ‘no-see-um’ uppercut.
The Doc hit the ground.
Jack said, “I should have known you were in cahoots with what’s-his-name. Now where is he, Doc?”
Doctor Frankenstein pointed toward the still-standing Sanskrit Public Library, and gasped, “He’s taken over the Adult Services wing, jack! It’s his LABORATORY now!”
Jack did a double-take.
“Excuse me, Doc,” he said, “Did you just say ‘luhBOARitoree’?”
Frankenstein smiled, “Yes! I did my homework!”
Jack growled, “Yeah, yeah. Beat it. This is no place for a surgeon.”
Frankenstein gathered up his sundry Gwen Stefani No Doubt mementos, and high-tailed it out of there.
“All right,” said Jack. “This is some pretty strange stuff. But I’m capable. I got bullets in my gun. I got BREAKFAST CAKE in my STOMACH. The hunt is on.”
And so, it was on to Sanskrit.
Able to withstand three Biddaddy Nose Blasts, Sanskrit Public Library was an architectural phenomenon.
Boasting a flying buttress exterior, and plenty of Butt Rest reclining chairs, Sanskrit was the place to be.
“’The Place To Be,’ huh?” said Jack as he studied the engraving on Sanskrit’s front door. “Well, now. I was already IN the PLACE, and now I’m in the place to BE. Go figure. Life is crazy. Neighborhood!”
Just to be obnoxious, Jack blasted away at the engraving until he ran out of bullets.
Kind of a bad move.
Elmer the Glaviano setter, guarding the library with his life, blind-sided Jack the second Jack stepped inside.
“Big mistake, jack!” barked Elmer. “Out of bullets…out of luck!”
The dog bit Jack’s ankles until Jack was screaming for his Aunt Jerthansia.
Elmer chuckled, “WOOF. I notice that, when trouble strikes, your COCKY DEMEANOR and SMART-ASS WAYS dry up. WOOF.”
Jack writhed in pain.
Elmer snarled, “My boss is WAITIN’ for ya.”
“Then let’s not stand on CEREMONY.”
“WOOF,” growled Elmer. “So much for theatrics. Time to take care of business.”
Elmer worked Jack over in businesslike fashion.
At the completion of the ass-kicking, Elmer roared, “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, BITCH?!”
“I don’t like it at all,” sputtered Jack. “It’s even worse than Steven Seagal’s ‘Fire Down Below.’ How could he make such a travesty? They should make Seagal chop wood in ALASKA with Sarah PALIN for the next ten years!”
In a nightmare vision Jack knew from ‘Creepy’ magazine, Elmer’s tail became a deadly silver hammer.
Raising the hammer-tail, Elmer laughed, “Bang, bang!”
Staggering under the blow, Jack groaned, “Damn silver hammer,” and passed out.
FOCUS
The Revengination
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=124omFd5ioQ
Jack Bronstein recognized the music.
Regaining consciousness, he got the impression that the piece was being performed by a pack of humanoid Glaviano setter Clones.
Or maybe he was dreaming.
But it sure sounded like Patrick Cassidy’s eerie Vide Cor Meum number from the soundtrack to Hannibal.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuVb51MGERY
Then, Jack became aware of another voice.
It sounded vaguely familiar.
He opened his eyes.
“Here I am, Jack,” grinned Library Boss Dice Dickman.
Dice snapped his fingers.
He intoned, “Hello!”
Dice even made that ‘eyeballs gesture,’ wherein he pointed to his eyes, so as to make Jack establish eye contact.
“I HATE that gesture!” screamed the barely-conscious Jack. “What’s goin’ ON here, Dice?”
Dice snapped his fingers, silencing the music.
Jack blinked.
Dice smiled, “Nevertheless. I switched to Camels this week. I really taste the difference!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCMzjJjuxQI
Jack shook his head.
Puffing on a cigarette, Dice asked, “Jack, have you assessed your priorities lately?”
“My PRIORITIES?” balked Jack. “HUH?”
“Prioritize, Jack,” Dice said calmly. “Take stock of what’s important—and what isn’t. You know? Prioritization.”
As prophesied by John Cougar Mellencamp, Jack scratched his head, and did his best ‘James Dean.’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8rnx4OR3io
“What do you say?” said Dice. “Thoughts? Ideas?”
Jack nodded, “Oh yeah. I got an idea. How about I PRIORITIZE my FOOT in your ass? Eh?”
Dice rolled his eyes.
He grabbed a microphones, and said, “Jack, priorities are part of life. We all need to re-assess them—every now and then.”
Jack began, “Well, I—“
“Prioritize!” interjected Dice. “Prioritize. It’s no wonder the Order of the Fat Guy wants to straighten you out.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrykk7E_2i0&feature=related
Jack chuckled.
“What’s so funny, Jack?”
“’Straighten me out.’ Ha. You don’t straighten me out, Dice. I straighten YOU out.”
Dice cracked, “Knock off the Moe Greene routine, Captain Mean. This ain’t Las Vegas.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV-H1YFNmkw
Dice continued, “Get ready, Jack. GET READY TO MEET THE BID-“
There was a flash of light.
A mushy Dice corpse fell to the floor.
Jack chuckled, “How do ya like that? Ultimate Evil hated Dice so much, he vaporized him after only ONE SYLLABLE of his NAME. How do you like THAT.”
“I like it just fine!” cackled an otherworldly, stiff-necked, genuine oakwood replica of film critic Leonard Maltin.
Jack screamed, “Oh, Jerthansia! What have they done to my magical dream?”
“Shut UP, jamoke!” laughed Maltin. “Ha ha ha. Remember Jean-Claude Van Damme’s thrilling performance as ‘Chance’ in 1993’s Hard Target?”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCTNP46Wq3o
Jack said, “I remember John Woo used to be a good DIRECTOR, pal.”
“Ha ha ha,” chuckled Maltin. “Indeed! Hard Target was Woo’s first American film. Ha ha ha. Hard Target was all up in there. Ha ha ha. Lance Henriksen turned in an outstandingly villainous performance as Van Demme’s nemesis, Fouchon. Ha ha ha. Outwardly a respectable businessman, Fouchon was, in reality, a psychopath. A psychopath who arranged hunting safaris. Hunting safaris for people who wanted to kill the most dangerous game of all—man.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw2v2N-RJVg&feature=related
Jack yawned, “And…?”
Maltin yelled, “And he forgot to PRIORITIZE! Jamoke!”
Lance Henriksen himself walked around the corner.
Crossbow-enhanced, Lance blew the wooden Maltin to smithereens.
“Good job, Lance!”
Lance wiped the gunpowder off of his smoking jacket, and he grinned, “Let’s hunt some Fat Guy.”
“That reminds me, Lance,” said Jack. “I have a GREAT idea for a screenplay.”
Lance rolled his eyes.
“What is with everybody and the SCREENPLAYS?” he lamented.
Jack grinned, “I got it all figured out. My next motion picture will be called Re-Assess My Priorities, My Ass: The Hardest Target Of Them All. It’ll have spies, lies, and killer Fat Guys.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HL3BYMYi1kw
Lance squinted, “Excuse me, Jack is this real life, or is it a movie?”
Mirthfully, Jack flipped a shiny, silver coin, and called it ‘tails.’
“There you have it, Lance,” grinned Jack. “It’s a movie.”
Lance tossed his cigar into the adjacent boiler room, and he said, “Then FORGET it. I HATE libraries.”
Lance stormed away.
“Fine,” Jack said to the air. “Leave ME holding the BAG.”
“JAG-bag, more like,” joked legendary Hollywood tough guy, Charles Bronson.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzhKHNgBAZ4
Before Jack could speak, Bronson gave him ten punches in the stomach, and dumped some rancid potato salad on his head.
Just to get the ball rolling.
“Evil is like rancid potato salad,” Charles laughed. “It’s even worse when you’re at the library.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS2YMu56vC0&feature=related
Jack whimpered and doubled over.
Vigilante man slapped him in the face until the potato salad was rancid AND runny.
“How does it taste?” laughed Charles.
Jack gasped, “Bronson, what are you doing? I thought you were one of the good guys!”
“You’re a smart one, Jack. Figure it out.”
Wincing under another punch, Jack managed to land an uppercut.
“Did the Fat Guys pay you off?” he gasped.
“Fat Guys,” scoffed Charles. “I ate the Fat Guys for DINNER last night, Jack. With some fava beans…and a COKE.”
Shedding the Charles Buchinsky disguise, Ultimate Evil, a.k.a. Godfrey Stonecroft Biddaddy, smiled, “Its like this, Jack. Disguise or no disguise, you can consider your ass BEATEN. USELESS to RESIST, and whatnot!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6sj89xgnl4
The end appeared to be very near.
“No way are you my father,” grunted Jack. “My dad is a rabbi. His name isn’t even Godfrey!”
Biddaddy replied, “I refer you to the original Shakespeare, son. There are more things on heaven on earth than you can shake a STICK at. Consider your next move very carefully. Patricide is no laughing matter.”
Jack went for broke.
He grabbed Biddaddy’s crossbow by the trigger, and flipped it around a la Steven Seagal in On Deadly Ground (1994).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yVoHp1dUvg
Jack managed to squeeze off six shots, but they barely left a dent.
Biddaddy regained control of the crossbow, and he grinned an evil grin.
“Consider this, John Methuselah,” he said, “What if this really IS just a movie? Seems to me, you better make sure you’re on the right side of the MIRROR.”
Jack quipped, “Mirror has two faces, pops.”
Whistling with rage, Biddaddy roared, “DON’T CALL ME POPS!!!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdemGogeve4
“Schnapps?” said Jack.
Biddaddy frowned, “Enough. I have had it with your gamesmanship, contumely, and smart-ass-hood. Now there are two ways out of this glorified Mardi Gras graveyard, son. The stairs…and the window. Well?”
Jack shrugged, “Easy enough,” and hurtled out the window into the next dimension.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHMTeXJluCo
Left to his own devices, Ultimate Evil lamented, “This is a bit anti-climactic. I WAS about to hand that ingrate the keys to the city—and beyond. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board. Or maybe just the 3DBB.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boC1KL-lFtY
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